time: 8:37pm
mood: bored
currently listening to: california - beabadoobee
i've written more since i started my creative practice in april than i've written since i got out of college in 2017. there were extenuating circumstances—burn out, going right into a full-time job, dad died (rip miss u xoxo). the day i graduated i literally said i don't want to read or write a goddamn thing for five years and i mostly stuck to that. i half let myself off the hook, half felt guilty for not keeping up with it. now it's 2024 and i'm writing again and it's actually fun and challenging and making me feel more like the version of myself i've always wanted to be.i've also been reading a lot, mostly poetry and essays (about poetry). but i just read Chelsea Girls by Eileen Myles (which is neither and also both in a roundabout way) and i can't recommend it enough. I LOVE EILEEN MYLES. there's something about their writing that lingers. it's conversational, introspective to the extreme, sometimes horrifying, always absorbing, like you're really really in it. i also love how their sentences are formatted (example below).
their writing makes me feel like i can write, too, and maybe i can dig deep into my memories and pull something worthwhile out of it. i can find a way to tell my stories and it doesn't have to look like anything else. i think Eileen wrote their first book when they were only a little younger than i am now and i feel a lot of camaraderie in that. i don't think that i'm old but it feels weird to not have done anything yet. you're never too old, it's never too late, etc. but sometimes that doesn't feel true. it's hard to walk that tightrope of feeling like you're dragging your feet but also needing more experiences to pull from because you haven't had enough yet, or you haven't had the experiences that are going to pull the rest of your experiences together to create something you can give back to the world in a nice little bow. it doesn't help that i work from home and have been reading and writing a lot at home so i feel a little immobilized by my life's circumstances and don't feel like enough is happening to me (hence there not being a lot of entries in this blog!).anyway. i'm working on some new pages for the site: a links page, a slideshow page of my landing collages... i think i might re-do my about page, too.
talk soon!
date: 7/14/24
time: 4:40 PM
mood: heebie jeebies
currently listening to: remi wolf's new album BIG IDEAS!!!!! (go listen!!!)
i went to see longlegs on friday night and i can't get it out of my mind!! it was excellent. it made me think a lot about what i love about horror. idk who, but someone who knew what they were talking about said, "horror is the only genre named after an emotion." it's also the genre that allows for the most artistry to emerge out of the material, be it practical effects, sound design, even how it's marketed. i think that lends itself for deeper things to be at play than just being something that's 'scary.'
the marketing is i think something that threw a lot of people off and set up some super high expectations. to me, those expectations were met. but i keep seeing the opposite opinion and honestly it's pissing me off :)
maybe it isn't the greatest idea to market your movie as 'the scariest movie of all time' because of course people will be like... BET and then shit all over it. but they're wrong in a way. do i think longlegs is the scariest movie of all time? i don't know. i've only seen it once and it was only 2 days ago. my opinion is not fully formed. BUT. is it scary? YES. and what does it even mean to be the scariest movie of all time? that descriptor is obviously so subjective that it's impossible to apply.
people who are saying it wasn't scary AT ALL... they worry me. ok- maybe the satanism/possession subgenre isn't their thing, and that's fine. that specific subgenre happens to scare the shit out of me and i love it!! i saw someone say that zombie movies are what really scare them, and i don't relate to that even a little, although i do still love them (train to busan!!). so clearly everyone has their thing. but i have to ask, to the people who are saying "longlegs was creepy and filled me with a heavy sense of dread and made me feel like i was being watched and i couldn't sleep after i watched it but i don't think it's scary"... WHAT DO YOU WANT?? and what does 'scary' even mean to you?
to me, it means all of those things. leaving the theater and feeling like you're being followed. sounds that were once mundane are now proof that someone's in your house. seeing faces in the dark. not being able to sleep because you can't get an image out of your mind. that's scary. that means it worked, the movie scared you.
all of these horror snobs who laud horror movies but don't think any of them are 'scary' are so boring. what's supposed to do it for you, then? snuff films? browsing the dark web? get a grip!!
anyway. loved longlegs. can't wait to watch it 200 times.
date: 7/10/24
time: 10:06 PM
mood: nostalgic
currently listening to: dogmas - kississippi
if my poems were a room in a house, what room would they be? my first thought is the kitchen, because it feels right. it's homey. It's warm. appetite takes us there. i want my poems to make people feel fed, feel full after reading them. i want to make a meal out of language and feeling and moments. i want to get real greedy with it. indulge in smells, sounds, dance to music, clean as i go. the sun is shining just right and then setting, orange light hitting above the stove then disappearing until tomorrow. i'm taking note of this. i'm sauteing garlic and onions in oil and it's simmering and the smell fills up the house. the neighbors will smell it in the stairwell. how nice it would be to enter a poem in this way, following its delicious scent to the source. finding the heart, being unable to resist a taste. then, of course, eating it all until i'm licking the bowl clean. i want to both devour and be devoured and i would like my poems to also do this.
date: 7/7/24
time: 11:03 PM
mood: bored
currently listening to: the jump off - lil' kim
watched two horror movies today, one i'd never seen and one i saw years ago that i remember being good. one was censor (2021) and one was kristy (2014).
censor was just okay. i kept seeing it recommended on reddit for good meta horror movies. it was meta but it wasn't that good. i go to reddit for a lot of things but i gotta be more discerning when it comes to movie recs. although i did watch ready or not (2019) recently because of reddit and that one was alright, so. sidenote: how is it that reddit is singlehandedly holding the searchability of the internet together? seems… not great!
kristy was not as good as i remembered it being, but it's a solid final girl movie with some *chef's kiss* kills and you really root for the main character, and that's all a final girl movie really needs to be in the end.
i took a nap and had the most visceral dream of my teeth falling out. three teeth! i took myself to the dentist holding back tears. the dentist had a live studio audience, but they were watching something else. the dentist was set up like an airport and i had to show the teeth in my hand to a flight attendant. she did not seem to feel bad for me.
random thoughts/moments of the day:
i'm worried i give my cat too much catnip.
today i ate pizza.
i bought tickets to see long legs on friday.
date: 7/6/24
time: 4:17 PM
mood: confused!
currently listening to: break it off - pinkpantheress
overwhelmed with how to begin this thing. i'll just keep it simple.
alex's mom's cucumber salad recipe (which was actually her mom's):
- 4 cucumbers
- 1/2 red onion
- dill
- cilantro
- mayo
- sugar
- milk
peel four cucumbers and chop them up. slice half a red onion (or use more if you're an onionhead like me). throw it all in a mixing bowl. in a separate bowl, combine chopped dill and cilantro, mayo, sugar and milk. maybe a cup of mayo. maybe 1/3 cup of sugar. a little milk just to thin it all out. doesn't look like enough or taste good? add more of whatever seems to be the issue.
this recipe is meant to be measured with your eyeballs and your heart. also maybe four cucumbers is too much. but i promise it's goooooood!